All That Matters
by eddiescherry
Summary: Edward and Bella reunite after heartbreak, the resultant split and a long separation. What happened that tore them apart, and more importantly- will they be able to make things work now? AH/AU.
1. Chapter 1

BPOV

I really had no idea how things had ended up this way, and here's the real mind-blower: I wasn't even sure that I cared. When I'd bumped into Edward earlier in the week, I'd wanted to wrap my hands around his throat, but a mere three days later it was his throbbing cock that I had in my grip, and not much else mattered. He was here now, and there was this, and it would be enough. I would make it enough. At least that's what I kept telling myself.

His hands were tangled into my hair, and as I lowered my lips to engulf him he let out a long moan and pushed down on my head. _My God. He's still _s_o damn sexy!_

"God, Bella, your mouth feels fucking amazing!" I glanced up in time to see him throw his head back, and what had been a spot of damp in my panties turned into a flood.

Since removing my mouth from his cock was out of the question, I did my best with my mouth and hands to tell him how I was feeling. I tried to stay calm, sticking to a rhythm of stroking and sucking, but the sounds coming from Edward were driving me crazy, and I couldn't keep from groaning deeply. Before I knew it, I was on my back, my panties were on the floor, and he was plunging into my pussy like a man possessed.

"Did you really think I was going to let you do that for much longer?"

Just like that, whatever thoughts, whatever feelings I had wanted to express were gone; lost in a haze of thrusting and moaning and pounding our way across the bed. By the time I could think straight again, my head was hanging over the side and Edward's mouth was pulling hard on my left nipple. If I thought I'd felt good before, the sizzling line of electricity that ran from his wet lips and tongue straight down to my clit nearly undid me. I opened my mouth to speak and realized that I had literally been struck dumb. Completely silenced, for the first time in my life. _Amazing._

"Like that, love?" His tongue snaked a lazy, hot trail over to my right nipple, and his lips began to tug again. He stopped for a moment, the very briefest of moments, and I could feel- all at once, in a flash- the crispness of the sheets, the sweat on the back of my neck, the slightest breeze moving the curtains, and lurking in some forsaken corner of my mind…something that mattered. Then he lowered his mouth again and it was all gone, as if someone had flipped a switch. All I could feel was him; lips, tongue, hands, cock, the delicious weight of his body on mine. A burst of stars went off behind my lids and that was it, really. Right then I should have known, I should have fucking known, that the only thing coming tonight would be a reality check.

"Open your eyes, Bella." _No. Please!_

"Open your eyes. Now."_ I can't!_

"If you don't…" _he had one hand on my ass _"…open your eyes"_and one trailing its way down over my belly_ "…and look at me…" _Oh, God!_ "…right now…"_where it began to trace lazy circles over my mound _"…I'm going to leave, and I don't want to fucking leave, Bella."His hand stilled and he waited. _Fuck._

I lay completely still, knowing what would happen next. What _had_ to happen next. What mattered, even though I didn't want it to anymore.

EPOV

I smashed the back door open so hard it almost splintered, and flung myself down the stairs two at a time. A handful more steps and I was behind the wheel of my Volvo; I knew the only hope I had of calming down would be tearing up the roads between here and my apartment, and nothing was going to stop me.

_Fuck. Fuck. FUCK!_ Not again. This CANNOT be happening- it is just beyond my ability to understand. Why the fuck did I think anything had changed? Things I hadn't done in three days…habits (compulsions, rather) that I'd descended into since I'd seen Bella last, returned with a vengeance as I raged. In the last few minutes I'd raked my hands through my hair so hard, and so frequently, that my scalp was aching dully. I began to madly search for the cigarettes that I knew were there, and tore apart half the car before I found them. I lit a smoke and took such an intense drag that my lungs felt like they were on fire, and I almost wished they were.

_NOT. HAPPENING._

I frantically scrolled through my ipod for the one track that I needed to hear, turned it up loud enough to drown out every other sound, and tore out of the driveway. Trent Reznor's plaintive vocals, accompanied by his piano, slipped from the speakers and I felt myself begin to fall apart.

I still recall the taste of your tears

_Echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears_

_My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore_

_Scraping through my head till I don't want to sleep anymore_

How we got here was inevitable; how the pain in my chest was magnifying exponentially seemed an impossibility. Suddenly, I realized that tears were streaming down my face and that I could barely see the road. I slammed on my brakes and pulled off onto a side street, and buried my face in my hands. I sat listening, suspended in time. Although it could only have been minutes, it felt as though hours passed as I listened and remembered. Remembered what had happened to bring me here, now.

In this place it seems like such a shame

_Though it all looks different now, I know it's still the same_

_Everywhere I look you're all I see_

_Just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be_

When I first saw Bella a few days ago, in the brief moments before she saw me, it felt as though my heart had actually stopped. The world around us fell away, and her face once again became as the sun to me, yet somehow more brilliant than ever. After all the time that had passed, after thinking that I'd never see her again, even that I'd never _want_ to see her again, it was as though nothing had changed. She was still every bit as intoxicating to me now as she had ever been, maybe even more so. I was so stunned that when she did notice my presence I never registered either the look on her face or her body language. I was frozen in a sort of fugue as she crossed the marketplace, and it was only her hand connecting with my face as she slapped me that brought me back.

The sting of my cheek snapped me back to reality, but I remained frozen; Bella was here…right in front of me. I felt almost blindsided by her presence, what she had done, and my own blazingly intense feelings. As if in slow motion, I put my hand up to rub my cheek, but when I looked into her eyes she seemed so lost and confused that I found myself feeling sorry for her, and I felt my chest tighten. We stared at each other for a moment, and I watched as tears began to gather. I reached for her, but with a sob she pushed by me and was swallowed by the crowd.

_She was gone again._

Stumbling blindly in the opposite direction, I made my way through the throngs of people gathered there for the farmer's market. A few times I felt a hand on my arm or what seem to be a whispered comment, but they meant nothing to me. A rapid-fire procession of images featuring Bella scorched my mind's eye, and I was nearly brought to my knees on more than one occasion. Getting back to my apartment was a torment, and I had nearly reached its sanctuary when my cell rang. It was Alice. _Oh God. She knows! What am I going to say?_

I answered, but I couldn't find the words I needed. Couldn't make the wound…the one that we both shared and had been almost as excruciating for her…open again and cripple my sweet sister, and yet I knew in my heart that it had already happened. I stared out over the water, listening and waiting for what would happen next.

"Edward? I…felt her there. I saw…God, Edward…the sadness! Why didn't…did you…"

Her sobs echoed down the line and I wanted to tell her something…anything. I wanted to say the right words that would make the hurt go away, but I just didn't have it in me. What could I say that would give her peace, when I couldn't find any for myself? I heard her crying begin to taper off, and felt a shiver go through my body.

"Edward, you have to make me a promise."

I listened, but it was more out of love for her than anything else; I already knew what she would say. My baby sister knew me inside and out, and even without the gift of prescience I was sure that she would have been able to foretell my plans after what had just happened.

"Please, please do NOT let it happen again, ok? Promise me you won't do what I know you're already thinking about. I love you! Edward? Please?"

What Alice refused to acknowledge was that it was too late. I knew it in my heart and in my gut, and part of Alice knew it, too. The slap, the sob, the push…right then I was lost. Oh, hell- I was lost when I saw Bella's face again. It wasn't supposed to be this way. It wasn't supposed to be this way. _It wasn't fucking supposed to be this way._

"It wasn't supposed to be this way, Alice."

"Honey? Edward? Don't do this! I'll come over there right now and we can work everything through! Are you home? I can be there in 15 minutes tops and we'll…"

"Goodbye, baby girl. I love you, but I've got to go now."

"EDWARD CULLEN, YOU WILL NOT DO THIS!"

I hung up on my beautiful sister, pushed the off button on my phone, and slipped it into my back pocket. The weather had shifted while I was on the phone, and a chill breeze suddenly picked up. I turned up the collar on my jacket, pushed my hands deep into my pockets, and stepped off the curb. One last glance over my shoulder, and I was gone. _Fuck it._


	2. Prologue Part 2

**A/N: I've decided that Chapter 1 works better as a prologue, so I would like this to be considered the second part of it. The next installment will start at the beginning for E+B, and should flow in a traditional timeline from then on.**

**I appreciate everyone who's favourited me and my fic, and all of the emails I've gotten as well. FF & Twilighted rock my world, hard.**

**Merci beaucoup x infinity to my lovely beta Quantum Mechanic. She writes crackfic par excellence; if you don't know her already, check her out tout suite...she's the bomb, yo.**

**Thanks also to McVampy and tby789 for their support and guidance. You girls got my back...mwah!**

**FIC PARTICULARS: AU/AH/OOC/NC-17**

PROLOGUE PART 2 - BPOV

I lay on the bed after Edward had gone, staring at the ceiling, and listened to him leave. He made his way through the house and barreled out the back door. I heard the slam of his car door and the roar of its engine, followed by the faded sound of a track I couldn't quite place. A spray of gravel and the squeal of his tires as they connected with the street, and all was silent again.

I waited for the oblivion of a breakdown; the cleansing wash of tears that would allow me to start over and put the last few days with Edward in their place, but they wouldn't come. I realized grimly that the solace I sought wouldn't come easily, but would have to be earned.

_Oh, Bella, you bloody fool._

Why didn't I just open my eyes for him? Would it have cost me so much? Why couldn't I just let the past go, once and for all? We'd been through so much in the last few days, and I'd thought I was ready for this, but I must have been lying to myself. No surprise there.

The thing that mattered wouldn't go away, and ignoring it hadn't helped. I'd pushed it down so far, and I'd blocked it so well from my conscious mind that I'd managed to make myself into another person; one that didn't need Edward in her life- or so I had convinced myself. Why did I ever think it was okay to be that girl?

Of course, the truth was, is, and ever shall be, that...I love him. Plain, but not so simple. I've loved him for so long that I can't recall a single happy memory in which he doesn't feature. Even before this week, when we'd been separated for so long, it was the same. His heart was mine, his dreams- mine. Even his family, once upon a time, had been mine.

What was he doing right now, at this very moment? Was he raging again, cursing my name and screaming out his anguish, as he'd first done in Forks? Maybe he would sink into a quiet despair that would seem better on the surface, but in reality was much, much worse. I knew that despair well, and I knew it was a distinct possibility for Edward. A shudder wracked my body, and I rolled into a tight ball. My God, why couldn't I stop hurting him?

It had been two years since I left Forks and moved to Portland to start a new life, and only my parents knew where I'd gone. I didn't see the point in telling Edward's family; why would they care where I was going, after what had happened? They never could see straight when it came to Edward, and I understood that…I really did. Even his sister Alice, my best friend and confidante for more years than I could number, had grown distant in the last few days before I disappeared. I'd left town without speaking to her again, and that amputation had nearly killed me. It must have done the same to Alice, but I never knew for sure, and I never had the courage to face her and find out.

The truth is that although Edward had been the one that had struck the first blow, both of us were to blame for how things had played out, and we both had to live with the consequences. At the time, I'd believed that the only difference between us was that I hadn't stayed around to deal with the aftershocks, and he hadn't been alone in a new place, trying to start over.

I realized only much later how utterly wrong I was. I'd been consumed by bitterness and anger, exacerbated by the memories of my parent's history, and I'd lashed out at him with a rage I didn't know I had in me and in the only way I knew how. He'd needed me, and I turned my back on him at the very worst time, feeling only the briefest moment of hesitation. I was a monster.

************************************************************************

I thought back to when I'd first seen him at the farmer's market a few days ago, and flinched at the memory. I'd been out late the night before with friends from work, and I hadn't felt my best, but I'd needed to pick up a few things for the week ahead. One of the most fantastic things about living here is the access to fresh fish and great produce, so in spite of the lingering hangover that I had, I ventured out to one of my favourite places in the city.

I wandered through the crowd, stopped to chat with vendors and sample their wares, and gathered a bag full of produce along the way. The weather was fantastic, and I felt my spirits rise as I walked along. I bumped into a friend from my old apartment building, and we had a quick cup of coffee in the sunshine and caught up with each other's lives. With a hug and a promise of a girls' night soon, I was off amongst the stalls again, reenergized from the coffee.

There was a loud noise from across the market, and I automatically looked in its direction. That's when I saw Edward, and the world as I knew it…as I'd structured it…began to spiral out of control.

I stared at him, lost in a combination of the past and present. Edward was here…in Portland…and he looked the same as he ever had. His face was as familiar to me as my own, and yet as I stared at him I realized that he had changed. His face had narrowed to reveal more of his bone structure, and his bronze hair was longer and messier than I remembered. I'd always thought he was the most handsome man alive, and seeing him now didn't change a thing. I realized suddenly how much attention he was garnering- women, and some men, openly stared at him, and a rush of possessiveness and long-buried emotion coursed through my body at what seemed like light speed. MINE, it said.

_Holy hell…where had that come from?_

Before I could take a breath or still my confused feelings, I closed the distance between us.

_He looks so happy to see me!_

In retrospect, that flash of insight should have centered me, but instead I pushed it aside and I swung my hand out and slapped him…hard. Standing not two feet away, and frozen in place, I watched as he raised a hand. Not to strike back at me, of course never that, but to touch where he'd been hit. He stared at me and a flurry of emotions flashed through his eyes...pain, surprise, confusion, love.

_Oh, God, what the fuck is wrong with me?_

He was Edward, MY Edward, and I was the one that knew him better than anyone, regardless of what had happened between us. How much worse then that I had been the one to cause him pain now. We'd been apart for over two years, with not a whisper of contact, and I was behaving as if no time had passed at all. Acting like his betrayal was yesterday and playing the jealous girlfriend all at the same time.

I was the reason for the hurt and confusion this time, and still I saw only love there- for me. I held his gaze, but as I felt the sting of my tears I saw pity take hold of him, and it sent me over the edge into the abyss. After how I'd behaved, I was the last person who deserved his pity, the last person that deserved him, truth be told.

No surprise, then, that I did what I knew best; I ran away, without a backward glance. He reached for me as I passed and I felt a charge as our bodies connected. It was so familiar to me, but nothing, not even the bittersweet memory of his touch, would keep me from my goal.

I'd done it before, of course, and I fell into it again easily. I ran away from my past, myself, and what I knew could never be again. I ran away from the look in his eyes, and the agony in my heart, and I ran as if my life depended on it. What I was running to I couldn't say, but that didn't stop the pounding of my legs on the pavement as I went, and it sure as hell didn't stop the strangled sobs that burst from my throat.

I ran flat out for what must have been at least a few blocks, but finally ran out of steam and stopped to rest on a park bench. I was shaking all over, from the run and from the raging undercurrent of emotion that had fueled it. My breathing eventually calmed, but my heart was still racing. I couldn't seem to figure out what to do or where to go next, so I stayed where I was. I tried to keep my mind blank so that I could achieve some semblance of normalcy, but I kept seeing Edward's eyes.

Suddenly my phone rang. I clicked "answer" without even looking at the screen, hoping against all hope to hear Edward's voice. Instead, I heard only silence, and then a small voice saying, "Bella?"

It was Alice, and I knew then that something terrible must have happened to Edward for her to have found me. I had barely spent any time with him, and although I knew she would have been aware of us, she wouldn't ever have contacted me now for anything less than an outright emergency.

"Alice, what's happened?"

"It's ...it's just like before."

My heart dropped into my stomach, and I had to hold onto the bench to keep from falling to the ground.

"No."

"Bella, I need you to stay present and listen to me. I will not get into the past with you now, but I will also not stand for any repeat performances."

"Don't ask this of me, Alice. I can't,..it's too much!" I felt myself slipping, and nearly dropped the phone.

"Bella Marie Swan...remember who you're talking to, get your shit together and listen to me. This is my brother. I know everything that happened before, and I have a good idea of what happened this morning, so don't push me."

"But..."

"NO BUTS, BELLA! You need to step outside yourself for once, and do what needs to be done! You are the world to him, that never changed, and he _needs_ you. I know for a fact how much you love him, so this bullshit is going to stop. NOW."

She was right, of course, she'd always been right. I'd just been too pig-headed and full of anger to listen before. Now was the time for me to stop wallowing in the past and be the person I was meant to be. I needed to step forward into my present, whatever it might shape up to be, and face the consequences; for myself AND for Edward. I would stop living this half-life I'd condemned myself to and breathe again.

"Tell me what I need to do, Alice. Tell me what to do and I will make it happen."

I heard her exhale and braced myself for what was to come. Filled with a resolve that I didn't know I had, I was suddenly, strangely at peace. I didn't know what would happen, but I would be there, damn it. I would be there for us both.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: This marks the very beginning for E+B, four years prior to the events in the prologue.**

**My thanks to my beta Leon for his feedback. Je t'aime, mon petit belette.**

**Much love, hugs & kisses to my bffs Christina & Dawn (aka kyla713 & tby789), CEOs of The Office. Those two are two talented, classy hoors, y'all; if you haven't read it yet, FOR SHAME. Get yer heinie in gear and show up prepared to give major props.**

**Thanks to everyone who reviews, favorites, or alerts...it means a lot.**

**FIC PARTICULARS: AU/AH/OOC/NC-17**

**APOV**

My brother drives me crazy sometimes, but his heart is as true as they come. I should know; I've known him longer than anyone, you know.

He's my twin, older by just a few minutes, and we have a special connection. We can tune into each other whenever we want, but we can choose not to listen, too. Edward's way better at that than I am, but to be honest, I've never really tried. It's so much easier having him sort of texting in my head all the time that I never even thought about stopping.

It's sort of hard to explain. It's not as if it's always been good, and I don't mean just since we've gotten older. Even when we were little I would sometimes get blindsided by the intensity of Edward's feelings and emotions. It seems like he's just always felt more and taken things- good and bad- harder than everyone else. Sometimes I'd call him Stormward to try to tease him out of it, but mostly I just tried to ride it out and hope for the best. It was the way he was, and I loved him, no matter what. I don't know...maybe it made me love him even more. What can I say? He's my brother.

I knew that someday he'd meet a girl, and I hoped so hard that, whoever she was, he would even out. That connecting with her would mellow him and make his life easier. I counted on it, even. What I didn't count on was Bella.

It, meaning everything between and around them both, was so intense that it almost too much from the beginning. At the time I remember thinking that them finding each other was so strange; in hindsight, I see that it was totally inevitable.

Have you ever heard the saying, "when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object"? I so cannot think of a better way to describe Edward and Bella. If only everything else about them was so easy to sum up.

Bella moved to Forks our junior year of high school. I'd seen her around town that summer, acting all cozy with one of the boys from La Push, but when school started she and my brother came together and never parted. Well, Edward never wanted to part from her anyway, but I'm not sure I could say that about Bella.

From the moment I met her, I couldn't shake the feeling that our lives would never be the same again, and not in a good way, either. I ended up loving her- anyone who ever met her always did- it was just an undercurrent I can't explain.

I bet you're wondering how Edward felt, and that's the crux of everything, isn't it? As soon as he knew her, he loved her, body and soul, and believe me- neither one of us would ever have said that lightly. I actually sensed the bloom of his love for her as a physical hit. If someone else told me that I'd call them a liar, but I swear it's true.

I was sitting with a friend in English when it happened. One minute we were gossiping, waiting for class to start, and the next I was almost knocked off my seat by the emotion I sensed flowing through him in waves. It was sort of an out-of-body experience, you know? It was like I was in a meadow somewhere; I could actually feel sunshine on my face and smell a hint of spring flowers on the breeze. I felt a surge of happiness so full-on that it felt like I might burst.

I came back to myself in a flash, with my arm being shaken and my teacher looking down on me with panic in her eyes. It was the most intense experience I had ever had, so when she told me sternly to go to the nurse's office, I didn't argue. I needed to find out what was happening with Edward anyway, and the sooner I knew, the better. I completely ignored my friend's whispers and the stares of the other students in class, grabbed my things and left.

Edward was in Biology, and when I rounded the corner to peek in, I could see him sitting at a tall table with a brown-haired girl. Her back was to me, so I couldn't tell who she was. The same emotions were still coming from him; not as strong, thank God, but still there.

Of course, he sensed me there, and turned his head just a bit to look into my eyes and smile shyly. He thought my name and it was like a sigh. He knew I'd shared the rush he'd felt, and was so happy- that he'd felt it, and that I knew it. I sighed a little myself, and then the girl turned to see what had caught his eye.

She looked at me and smiled in greeting, and I felt my heart drop into my gut. "Bella," he thought, and that's how I heard her name for the first time- from his mind and said with love.

This was the girl I'd seen around town with the La Push kid this summer- the couple that had been so tight. Now she was in my brother's world, and something felt wrong. This was bizarre- I didn't really know anything about her. If only I knew then what I do now, maybe things wouldn't have turned out the way they did, but I'm getting way ahead of myself.

There was no way I wanted Edward to know what I was feeling, so for the first time in my life I concentrated really hard on blocking him. He was so wrapped up in her that I didn't know if he'd sense me anyway, but I wasn't going to take any chances. What if I was wrong? I would rather hurt myself before I did anything to cause him pain. God, he did that to himself enough anyway.

My homework, what was for dinner that night, that new track on my ipod; anything to mask my real thoughts. What is going on? Why her? I mean, it's not like he hasn't liked girls before, and even dated some of them, but this was totally different. I know for a fact that he didn't know her before today, so this was something sort of like what our dad calls a thunderbolt. All of this flew through my head while I stood there, clutching my books to my chest and staring at my brother through the glass, where he seemed miles away instead of just across a room.

Edward was saying something to Bella, and she waved quickly and turned back to him. I took a few steps back, then headed for the nurse's office, thinking about how to make sure I got to leave for the rest of the day. I needed some distance to think things through and try to get myself together before he got home and found me. _What the hell was I going to say to Edward?_

**EPOV**

It was the first day of junior year, and Alice and I got to school early, at least for us anyway. We sat in my old Volvo, a hand-me-down from our dad, and listened to one of Alice's mixes. That would have been impossible last year, because all she listened to then was pop crap on repeat, and that was some of the worst shit I'd ever heard. Thank God I could tune her out whenever I wanted, because if I had to listen to the Jonas Brothers in my head all day I would have lost it.

Now The Killers cranked out of the speakers, and we talked silently about what we had coming up. My sister was really funny, and she kept up a running commentary in her head, making me laugh like an idiot over stuff like bitchy cheerleaders and lunchroom drama. The parking lot started to fill and after we waved to four separate groups of friends, we decided it was time to head in.

Alice took off with a bunch of girls as soon as we got to the doors, and I walked with a friend from lacrosse to my first class. Biology was a skate, and I was looking forward to an easy first period without any real work. I grabbed an empty table and stared out the window while I waited for class to start, thinking about the parties that would no doubt go down this weekend, There was a cute friend of Alice's that always came to lacrosse matches, and I thought about hooking up with her, but I shut that off pretty fast. Alice didn't need to know every last thing in my head. I looked up to see the teacher walking in, and turned my attention to him. Mr. Jones started talking about the syllabus, and I found myself zoning pretty fast. I had advanced Spanish next period, and laughed thinking about my brother Emmett always dropping "mierda" into any conversation he could his Senior year. By graduation he had the whole school doing it, and even our parents thought it was funny. He had left for his first semester at Dartmouth last weekend, and we all missed him a lot.

I heard the class door open, but when I looked up to see who it was I felt like I'd been sledgehammered. It was a girl I'd never seen before, and she was beautiful. She said something to the teacher that I should have been able to hear in the quiet room, but suddenly it felt like a loud noise was rushing in my ears.

As she turned away from Mr. Jones and started to walk towards the tables, her long hair was lifted up by breeze from the door shutting. Her scent hit me, and it was like a combination of fucking flowers and sunshine, and I'd never smelled anything like it in my entire life. There was no way what I was feeling could be real, but when she crossed the room and sat down next to me, it got even stronger and I fell even harder.

Mr. Jones said something to the class and walked out, but she was talking to me by then and I couldn't deal with anything else. _Holy shit...what was happening to me?_

"Hi, my name's Bella. Is it ok if I sit here?"

She looked straight into my eyes, and I don't know what to call what I was feeling before, because now I was totally lost. She had the most amazing deep brown eyes, and as I stared back, they crinkled at the corners and I heard her laugh softly. She had a really cute laugh, and I think I would have sat there listening to it forever if she hadn't spoken again.

" Umm, hello? Earth to shy guy? Do you mind?"

She waved a hand in front of my face, and that together with her words was enough to break whatever spell I'd fallen under. Great, I'm already in love with her, and she probably thinks I'm a complete asshole.

"Yeah...no...of course, you can sit here. Sorry!"

Smooth move, ex-lax. What the fuck was my problem? I never acted like this around girls...never. This was completely ridiculous, and I needed to get my shit together. I couldn't help the way I felt, but I sure as shit could man up and talk to her like a normal guy.

"My name's Edward. Sorry, I was just thinking about this weekend and got distracted. What was your name again?"

I knew it was Bella..._Bella!_....but I had to front for long enough to recover and keep her talking to me. I was not going to let her walk away from me if I could help it.

"It's Bella. That must be some party you're thinking about, Edward."

"Yeah, well- you know...," and then I felt Alice.

I'd been so blown away by Bella that I hadn't thought about what Alice must have felt, and when I looked over towards her on the other side of the glass, all I could do was smile. She knew everything that had happened in the last few minutes, and she had come to see what was going on. I listened to her to see what she was thinking, but all I could hear was noise about homework and music. It didn't matter, I'd find her later and she could spill then. Bella turned and smiled at her.

"That's my sister, Alice- she's my twin. Anyway- did you just get to Forks?"

She waved at Alice, and turned back to me, putting an elbow onto the desk and resting her head on her hand.

"Umm...pretty much. I moved in with my dad this summer, so I've been sort of waiting around for school to start for the past two months or something."

I started to ask her where she'd come from, but Mr. Jones blew into the room and started in on the syllabus again. She looked away from me and faced forward, and I had the chance to look at her again. _Bella...Bella...Bella._ Her name was as perfect as she was. How was I going to think of anything else from now on?

**BPOV**

I came to Forks under a cloud, and in some ways I don't think it ever lifted. My parents divorced when I was seven, and I lived with my mom after that. She left my dad for another man, and when the crying and arguing and hating were finally through, Charlie had gone to Washington and I was left with Renee. I was never sure why, because I would have gone with him in a heartbeat if anyone had asked, but nobody did, so I stayed.

We lived with Phil for awhile- he was the guy that my mom cheated with- but that didn't work out either. I found out quick that it was my mom who was the common denominator. No matter how happy she said she was or what kind of promises she made, it always went wrong. By the time I was sixteen I'd had three "stepdads," and I couldn't take it anymore. I told her that I wanted to live with Charlie, and I wasn't going to take no for an answer.

I left Phoenix the day after school got out, and I never looked back. I didn't know what was waiting for me in Forks, but anything was better than what I'd known for the past nine years. Renee took me to the airport, but she didn't even wait with me for my plane. She said she had something she couldn't be late for. Thanks a lot, mom.

Charlie was waiting for me at the gate in Seattle. The drive to Forks was long, like a couple of hours long. We didn't talk much, but it was good somehow. It was...peaceful in a way. He wanted me to meet his old friend Billy, so instead of heading to Charlie's house, we drove straight onto the La Push had called from his cell while we were on the road, so when we pulled up Billy was waiting at the front door of his house. He was in a wheelchair, and looked like he was alone as we headed up the walk, but as we reached the top someone came from the shadows and joined him.

"Hey Billy, Jake- this is Bella. Bella, Jake is Billy's son- you're in the same grade, different schools, of course."

I said hello and shook hands with them both, but when Jake and I touched it was, I don't know, like a current passed between us or something. I know he felt it, too, maybe even more than I did, because he pulled his hand back and looked away.

We ended up staying for lunch, and I found myself staring at Jake every chance I got. He was good looking, but completely different from any other guy I'd ever been attracted to, with long, black hair and beautiful honey-colored skin. He was tall, too- a lot taller than I was, and totally ripped, but I could tell he was really relaxed in his own body. I went to steal another look, and this time he was looking back...hard. I blushed, and what had been nervous energy turned into something else in a heartbeat.

I glanced away to see if Charlie or Billy had noticed, worried that they'd seen what had passed between us somehow, but they were too busy talking football to pay any attention. When I looked back at Jake, he was still staring at me, and it was like someone had plucked a chord deep inside me. He'd been mostly quiet since we'd gotten there, so when he spoke it made me jump a little.

"Dad, I'm gonna show Bella around. We won't be gone that long, ok?"

They both grunted in response, barely registering what he'd said. I wasn't sure what Jake had planned, but I hoped we wouldn't be going too far. He grabbed my shaking hand, and we walked through the house and out the back.

As soon as we cleared the door, he slammed me up against the house and kissed me hard, pressing the length of his body against mine. I moaned into his mouth, feeling his hard cock grinding into me through his jeans, desperate for what I was now sure we were going to do.

He grabbed my ass and picked me up, stroking my thighs as I wrapped my legs around his hips, pushing his tongue further into my mouth. Every part of my body was on fire, straining to connect with him, already desperate for release after just a couple of minutes. I tried to slow things down, pulling my mouth away from his, nipping at his lower lip before I buried my face in his hair. He smelled like the ocean and the forest all at once, a strong scent that made that chord inside me resonate even stronger. Forget about slow, I had to have him now.

Jake must have had the same thought, because he set me back down on the ground then, taking my hand again as he began to walk fast across the lawn towards the forest that bordered their property. My feet barely touched the ground as I tried to keep up with him, both of us frantic to get somewhere hidden.

He let go of my hand as soon as we crossed the tree line, turning on me and growling as I backed into a huge tree. He planted his hands on either side of my head and leaned in to meet my lips and tongue as we came together, this time without holding back. I grabbed his hair in my fists as we kissed, quivering as he reached down to pull my skirt up, pushing his hand between my thighs and plunging into my panties. God, this felt so good. I wanted him to keep giving it to me- harder, faster, more.

I grabbed at his belt, almost ripping it off, and pushed his low-slung jeans off his hips as fast as I could. Jake went commando, so I was able to wrap my hand around his cock as soon as his jeans were clear. We were rough with each other in our desperation, but when he went to rip my g-string off me I pushed him away and lowered them myself. I still had to get back in the car with Charlie, and I wasn't going to do that without panties, no matter how horny I was right now.

I jumped back up into his arms, and he drove into me in one big thrust, breathing hard into my neck as I clung to his back. We fucked each other against that tree, our rough breaths muffled by the thick forest around us, and when I slipped a hand down to feel where we connected, we both came so hard that we almost fell to the ground.

We stayed there for a minute, neither of us moving or speaking while our breathing slowed. He pulled out and let go of me, pulling up his jeans up and buckling his belt as he held my gaze. He reached down to pick up my panties and handed them to me, never looking away as I put them back on under my skirt.

I could think a little straighter now, and maybe I should have felt bad about what we'd just done, but I didn't...at all. I didn't expect to hook up with someone so fast, and I wanted a repeat performance, as soon as possible. I grabbed Jake by his shirt, kissed him, and then spoke for the first time since we'd walked out of his house.

"You and me are going to do that again, real soon."

And without waiting for a response, I walked back towards the house, pulling my hair into a bun as I went. I knew it was probably jacked up in the back from being rubbed against the tree, and I didn't want any questions to come up before I could go to the bathroom and deal with it. Charlie was probably starting to wonder where we were, so I found the bathroom as soon as I could. My hair wasn't that bad, actually, and just required a quick comb through with my fingers to look fine.

I opened the bathroom door quietly to find Jake standing on the other side. He was leaning against the island in the middle of the kitchen with his arms crossed. He extended a hand towards me after a couple of seconds.

"Gimme your phone, Bella."

I dug it out of my jacket pocket and handed it over, feeling the spark again as his fingertips brushed my hand. He punched his number in and reached over to put it back into my jacket, pulling me to him at the same time. His mouth touched my ear, his breath warm and moist as he spoke.

"Call me soon, or I will come for you. We _are_ gonna to do that again real soon, and that's a promise."

He was gone out the back door again before I could say anything, not that I wanted to anyway. It was pretty smart, actually, because if he'd stayed we probably would have ended up fucking again and definitely gotten caught; there was no way either of us wanted that to happen.

I listened to a car start and drive away, then I made my way into the living room to make excuses to our dads and try to motivate Charlie to get going for Forks. I had the whole summer ahead of me before school started, with at least one thing that was going to keep me busy, but right now I was feeling really tired. All I wanted was to get to Charlie's house, unpack and get some sleep. I could think about everything else in the morning.

_**~ Two months later ~**_

I fell into a routine over the summer that was split between spending time with my dad and hooking up with Jake. Charlie and I would have breakfast and dinner together most days, and the rest of my time was spent with Jake, usually in Forks. He'd come over after Charlie left for the day, we'd fuck, and then sometimes go into town or maybe even the reservation to hang with his friends. The sex was incredible; in fact, the best I'd ever had. We didn't share a whole lot outside of that, but our connection stayed strong somehow. I wasn't exactly sure why we were drawn to each other, and I never tried too hard to figure it out. It didn't really matter, anyway.

School started in late August, on a typically rainy and dark day. Charlie had bought me an old beater truck, which was dependable but totally embarrassing, forcing me to park on the far side of the lot to hopefully avoid attention. I grabbed my bag and headed to the office for my schedule. I was psyched to see that my first period class was Biology, which I had aced in Phoenix. It would be the perfect way for me to cruise into the day, while letting me go over the rest of my schedule and maybe daydream about hooking up with Jake.

I walked down the hallway looking for the lab, which I'd been told was behind a glass wall. I found it easily, pulling the door open and getting ready to hand my slip to...Mr. Jones. He welcomed me to class and told me to find a seat wherever I wanted. There were a couple open up front, but I headed towards a table near the back. The guy sitting there was really cute, but seemed harmless enough, maybe even a little out of it. I sat down, introduced myself and asked him if it was ok for me to sit there.

He didn't answer at first, and he looked so dumbstruck in a way that I couldn't help but laugh. I joked with him a little, calling him 'shy guy', which seemed to wake him up. He told me his name was Edward, and I knew right away that he was sweet, way too sweet for someone like me. We talked for a minute before he got distracted by something across the room.

I turned to see a petite brunette looking through the glass at him that I figured was probably his girlfriend, but he said she was his twin. I waved at her, then he said something and I looked back, straight into his incredibly green eyes. He asked me about being new or something and I answered, but then the teacher started in on the syllabus and we both had to turn towards the front. I spent the rest of the class avoiding those eyes, forcing myself to doodle in my notebook and think about Jake instead. When the bell rang I gave a quick smile to Edward and took off to find my next class.

He looked like he wanted to talk more, but I just couldn't. What would be the point, when I was who I was? It was better to keep him at a distance. Guys like Edward didn't belong with girls like me, and there was no point in pretending any different.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: *****taps screen***** This thing on? Anyone still hanging around in here? **** *points* O hai thar! I know you! It's really good to see you again… I'm sorry it's been so long.**

**I know it took me forever to update, but my dance card is (happily) FULL, peeps. I love ATM, but it's had to take a backseat to some other projects…needs must, as they say.**

**This wouldn't be no motherflippin A/N if I didn't thank my HLM & fave BFN, Christina/PQ/tby789. Y'all, whoever you are, know exactly who I'm talking about, cuz she is the CEO at The Office. Don't even try to front…RPattz reads that fucker, so I sure-as-shite know that you do, too. Her talent is exceeded only by her sweetness, which is considerable. I'm not blowing smoke: I can hold my head up high knowing that I'm six degrees from RPattz via PQ. *****nods*******

**Big love & hella props to all my thread, tweet & blip peeps…I can't list all your epic asses here or I'd run out of space. Y'all know who you are…namely the best fucking crew a hoor could ever hope to roll with, and that is just the truth. *****wipes tear***

**The track for CH4 is Archangel, by Burial:**

**/~61mhb (insert blip dot fm in front, plz)  
**

****

Holding you…good at being alone, good at being alone, good at being alone

Loving you… good at being alone, good at being alone, good at being alone 

Kissing you…tell me how can you, tell me I belong, tell me I belong

*******************************************

**EPOV**

The bell rang, pulling me from my trance. Before I could move, I realized that I was staring at Bella's back; she was out the door before the ring had faded.

I tried to follow her, but she disappeared into the rush of the hallway almost immediately. My heart was hammering in my chest, beating with an intensity I'd never felt before.

I had no idea what the hell had happened, or would happen from here, but I did know that there was no other way for me now. No other way that didn't include Bella.

We'd hardly spoken, but I couldn't ignore my gut reaction to her. I knew somehow that she'd felt me, too. I don't know how, fuck- I didn't know anything but what lived in the frantic thump in my chest. The truth, the only truth I knew in this moment.

I wandered through the rest of the day, seeing Bella in the halls and even the cafeteria. I caught her eye once, but when I started to walk towards her she turned and slipped into the girls' room. I never saw her again after that, and was totally distracted for the rest of the day.

There wasn't even anyone to ask about her, and I couldn't wait to get home to grill Alice. She was sure to know something useful, and I wanted to talk to her about everything anyway.

I listened for Alice on the way home, but all I could hear was math homework. I'd help her knock it out, feeling her out on Bella and what had happened at the same time.

The house was deathly quiet when I walked in, so I headed upstairs. Where was she? Even if I could only hear math from her, I knew she could hear anything from me that I allowed. _Where are you, Alice?_

I found her in the den between our rooms, ear buds in and her nose deep into her textbook. I stood at the door, waiting for her to look up or say something, but she never moved.

"Hey, dork."

Still nothing, and now I was starting to get fucking pissed. It wasn't her birthday, I hadn't given her shit about any guys lately…hell, I hadn't even seen her after catching her eye outside science lab. What was the problem?

"Alice."

She looked up sharply, pulling her ear buds out.

"Oh, hi Edward…what's going on?"

"That's exactly what I was going to ask you. Is there some special reason you were ignoring me?"

"I was NOT ignoring you. Stop being so sensitive."

"Oh, right Alice. It's only the first time in our lives you aren't completely up in my business, and I'm the one being sensitive. Is something wrong?"

I reached out to her again while I spoke, but it was still just a flurry of math. Now I knew something was definitely not fucking right.

"No, really- nothing's wrong. I'm just totally stressing over this algebra test I have tomorrow."

I looked at her, scowling, waiting for something more, but it never came. This was one of the strangest days I'd had in a long-ass time.

"Look, I don't know what you're trying to hide, and I guess you'll tell me when you're ready. Should I be worried?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about, b-…"

"Don't. Don't sit there and lie, Alice. I can't make you talk to me, but do NOT fucking do that."

I turned on my heel then and slammed my way down the hall and into my room, my head buzzing with hurt and confusion.

"Edward." Alice said softly from the doorway. I turned to see her standing there, with tears in her eyes, and I knew in an instant that a storm was coming.

"I'm so sorry, you have no idea. I was an idiot, and I should totally have talked to you, but I felt awful."

"Awful about what?"

"About…" and she looked at her feet without saying anything more. She couldn't keep her thoughts from finishing, though, and this time I heard them loud and clear…_Bella_.

"What about her?"

I was frozen in place, wondering what she knew that would cause this sort of reaction. Wanting to know, but dreading it at the same time.

"She…she's involved with someone, Edward."

"Is that all? She's not married, is she Alice?" I laughed, not quite feeling it but somehow needing to make the sound anyway.

"I'm…," she started, still looking down. "I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say, because I know how you feel."

"You obviously don't, because if you did you would know that it doesn't matter."

"But, this guy…"

"Alice."

"I know, but…"

"No. You were there. You felt exactly what I did, so don't fucking pretend you don't know."

She hadn't moved from her place at the door, and now her voice became even quieter than when she'd started. The hair rose on the back of my neck as she spoke through her tears.

"It's more than that, and you know it. There's something else, I don't know what yet, but it's there. Please just be careful, Edward."

Before I could say another word, she stepped towards me, wrapping her arms around my waist and pulling me into a hug. My sister hadn't done anything like that in a very long time, and it took me a moment before I slid my arms around her. She trembled against me, her thoughts a flurry of darkness.

"You won't be, though. You won't be careful," she cried into my chest, and I knew then, with everything in me, how right she was. The truth was that I was lost before I'd even started.

**BPOV**

I ran from him…from his sweetness, his warmth, his incredibly green eyes that felt like they were lit from inside while we talked. Where did that come from? He didn't know anything about me, because if he did that light would die, just like it should. There wasn't anything more in me to discover, and what I had to offer wasn't enough for him. I already knew that for a fact.

I'd spent the rest of the class giving an extraordinary amount of attention to the teacher, avoiding Edward's glance at all costs. It would take some time, but I knew what I had to do. He might be confused when I avoided him, but maybe after awhile we could be friends. The sort of friends that don't really know each other, but are able to hang out and have fun.

Yes, that was what would happen. What did it matter if my heart died a little more in the process? It was already empty anyway, just like I was.

I had plenty of things to keep me busy: Jake, school, getting to know my dad again. I could be a good friend, too, and I was looking forward to meeting some girls to hang out with. If I could just avoid him outside of biology, I'd be able to handle it. _Keep things in their place, Bella._

The rest of the day passed, and I was able to stay under his radar, even though it seemed that I saw him at every turn. Could this school be any smaller? I kept my head down, and would keep doing the same until his eyes dimmed and we could be in that other place. That safe place where he wasn't trying to see anything more in me, and I wasn't afraid of what he'd find.

I was in the hallway between classes when he caught me. I saw him before he saw me, and when our eyes met I flushed under his gaze, flying into the bathroom in a near panic.

It was only my first day, it would get better, I could do this…I repeated to myself like a mantra as I looked in the mirror. He was just another guy, in another place, that was meant for some other girl than me. It's the same as it's always been, because I'm the same. Stop this thing before it starts, and the world keeps spinning around like it should.

If I didn't? My stomach dropped into my feet at the thought of letting him…letting anyone…in. NO.

It was 3:15 before I knew it, with my truck somehow rumbling to life and exiting the parking lot before the rush. I didn't even bother pretending to head home, turning onto the road that led to La Push and driving straight to Jake's. I knew he'd be in the garage working on his car by now, and I needed to be there.

He walked towards the driveway as I pulled up, looking at his watch and wordlessly questioning my presence. I managed to shake my head slightly, which seemed to satisfy him. He took my hand and led me into the garage, closing the big door after us. Grabbing my hips, he tried to lift me into his arms, but I pushed back, kneeling on the floor in front of him. I leaned in to bite at his cock, already hard behind the zipper of his jeans, and came to life at his groan. Yes…this I knew, this I could handle. No surprises here.

I freed his cock as quickly as I could, plunging my mouth down and feeling him hit the back of my throat. His hands gripped my hair, and I lost myself in the experience of sucking him off. His spicy taste, the way he fucked my mouth, the feel of his hands on me. Nothing else mattered except what I could give and he could take.

I hummed around him, stroking his balls as we settled into a rhythm. My eyes fluttered as I felt his cock swell, knowing he was close, bracing for him to shoot down my throat. I reached around to his ass, pulling him even deeper, and with a drawn-out moan he emptied his load into me. I hated this part, but it was nothing that Jake would ever know. I swallowed all he gave me, only releasing him when his hips had stopped bucking.

He pulled his pants back up, watching me closely as he leaned back against the trunk of his car. I realized suddenly how dingy and dark the garage was, and I looked down to see that my knees were grimy from the floor.

"I'm not complaining, but what brought this on?"

"Don't."

"Don't what, Bella? Don't talk to you?"

I didn't know how to respond to that, so I turned to leave. I was almost to the door when he caught my arm, pulling me back into his chest.

"Look at me."

I leaned back against him, but never took my eyes from the door.

"This doesn't have to be it for us."

"I have to go, Jake."

"You don't _have_ to do anything, Bella, and neither do I. I _want_ more with you, and I thought you might, too."

There was nothing I could say to him…absolutely nothing.

I listened to his breathing and waited for what would happen next. He dropped his arms and pulled away, stepping forward to open the door.

I looked up at him, seeing the barest flash of hurt before his mask lowered again. He stared at me for a moment longer before heading back towards the front of his car.

"Get going, Bella. It's getting late and you're not supposed to be here; we both know that."

I was halfway gone when I heard the smash of glass punctuated by a loud "FUCK," but I never broke my stride or even spared him a glance.

He was right; I shouldn't have been there. I had to get back to where I belonged, but I didn't know where that was…hadn't in a long time, really. It wasn't in that garage, giving head like some fucking whore, was it? Able to swallow his cock, but unable to answer a simple question; was that who I was?

My chest burned as I flew along the back road from the reservation to Charlie's. In one day everything seemed to have turned upside down, and as I looked into the thick foliage along the side I saw Edward's deep green eyes again. I shook my head, rolling down the windows to the fresh air & turning the radio on full blast. I screamed out, "NO!" and purposefully blanked my mind.

I knew that when the house was quiet and my thoughts couldn't be stifled anymore that I would break down. I would give myself over to it later, but for now I was in control.


End file.
